CMEA...yuck...
2004-12-04@4:43 p.m..
It's been about a month since my last entry--that's normal. But this time I actually have something to vent about.
You know how I said I was going to try out for Eastern Regionals again, for the 3rd year in a row (and the last time)? Well, that was today. And let me tell you, I'm soooo pissed off right now; I don't even know where to begin...Well, I got my solo piece way back in June, towards the end of the school year (I actually think it was the last day). I'd been practicing the piece up until today, and for the past couple weeks I'd been practicing it every day. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm principal flute this year (1st out of 9 total) and I was pretty much expecting to make CMEA this year & get a really high score. Last year I got a 217, and I was only two people away [six points] from making it. I'd downloaded the adjudatation sheet from the internet & for the past month or so I'd been looking & it & "grading" myself. Yesterday I graded myself and pretended it was the real audition; I knew I was being a little lenient, but I was being quite honest with myself: I gave myself a 250 (out of 270)--28 out of 30 on scales, 24 out of 30 on sight reading, and 198 out of 210 on the solo piece. Scales had never been difficult for me, so I knew I'd nail 'em; sight reading's always up in the air, so there's really no way to prepare for it; I'd been working really hard on this piece (consisting of 4 movements), and it wasn't really that difficult--it was actually easier than last year's piece, I think. I played it practically perfectly at my flute lesson on Wednesday & yesterday when I was grading myself.
But when I walked into the audition room today, everything changed. Well, for starters, this year I was extremely nervous. Last year I was barely nervous at all. I couldn't understand that, but then my mom suggested the reason for that was all the pressure that was on me: I'm a senior, I'm principal flute--I should make CMEA, I should get a really good score...Well anyway, I played my scales: A flat and chromatic, and I sighed, thinking I'd gotten off to a pretty good start. Then I played my piece--not the whole thing, certain sections of it--and when I put my flute down I knew it was over. I wanted to scream, "What the hell have I done?! What's wrong with me?!" When I first saw the sight reading I panicked for a second, but then I realized it wasn't that bad.
Afterwards, I walked outside optimistically, although I knew I'd done much worse than I should've done--much worse than I was capable of doing. My tone hadn't been that great, I'd rushed in this one spot at the end, and I played a couple wrong notes (before when I'd been practicting it I played all notes correctly). I didn't think I get any lower than 200, but when my score came I was so angry I can't even describe the feelings that came pulsing through my body. There, written at the bottom, was a 176. How is that possible?, I thought. I crumpled the sheet up and was about to rip it up when I remembered I'd have to show it to my flute teacher @ my next lesson. I didn't scream or anything, but I made angry noises and yelled at myself (not literally yelling). (It was only after all this that I remembered Laura--the other flute player from our school who'd tried out--got 20 points lower than me.) I didn't look @ the details of the sheet for a couple minutes. I was soooo ashamed! A senior flute player gets under a 200?--especially one who's principal chair? I was planning on avoiding my band teacher there 'cuz I was worried what he'd say, & that I might start crying if I talked to him about it...Well, it wasn't just that I didn't play to the best of my ability, I was also really angry 'cuz I thought the judges were too tough on me. You know how I said I only made a COUPLE note errors? The judges said I made SOME note errors, which is preposterous. And plus, the sheet said I didn't use slurs and do dynamics--among other things--which I actually did do. I know that for a fact. When I looked @ the sheet @ home w/ my mom just a little while ago I realized how tough the judges had been. I'm not gonna start calling them names or anything, I'm just mad 'cuz I think I deserved a higher score. And it's NOT just because I want to have a higher score. I think I'll talk to my band teacher next week. Maybe that'll make me feel better. For some reason I'd thought my band teacher & my flute teacher would be made @ me for getting such a low score, but my mom convinced me that they'd just feel bad for me--they wouldn't be mad @ all.
So, that's my venting diary entry. I've gotten it out of my system, & it actually feels pretty good. I need to go on w/ my life though, & realize that it's not ENTIRELY my fault I received the score I did. Anyway, that's all folks! :)